Not so fat because I have lost some kilos hehe but ... Lots of stuff, hopefully you have patience to read at least to the 3rd spot. :D
Only in english, sorry, I just can't say some of these things in finnish. I hope you understand that and you understand something of my finglish hehehee.
1. I QUIT MY OLD JOB!
Finally get rid off it. Sometimes you just have to sit down, think what you really want from your life and are you happy at the moment. Think about your mental and physical health, put it first, do some decisions and do what's the best for you and your future plans. We live only once and I'm not going to waste it for something which will just bring bad things to my life.
2. MY NEW JOB STARTED YESTERDAY!
Yup I found a new job pretty quickly, huh. I'm happy because it's about something what I'm interested of and it's close to me which mean money saving. Whoop whoop the world I'm coming soon!
I hope it will be as nice and good as it sounds to be.
3. MY OWN FASHION LABEL!
Yes! It's fucking finally here! I have been designing clothes 10 years and I think it's time to kick some asses. With this new job I have plenty of time to do my own thing ( without being a total poor babe ) which is important to me. You kind a have to have a day-job also because it's not so easy to live just as a designer. Specially when you're starting the whole new thing ... Hopefully you will like my stuff! At least if you like my style, leather, pvc, latex, spikes, band-stuff, trashy and ghoulish look, you should be fine. You might even fall in love to my stuff. Ouuuchhh! Don't be scared, we have lots of fun in the planet of S.I.N.!
Firts collection will be out at some point during this Fall. First there will be clothes only for women ( sorry guys! ) and some certain sizes on sale. But in 2015 there will be sizes (X)S-(X)L, made to order and custom order options. Also for guys and of course for all sizes/made by your measurements so it will fit like a damn glove.
We can all be the Queens and Kings of the S.I.N. together!
4. I'M DRAWING/PAINTING AGAIN
I am once again, as you can see from above, the best friends with my imagination and creativity. I have been doing lots of different sketches and stuff, some of them will end up as a big painted portraits. I hope that some day I can keep some kind of exhibition about them, probably just by myself at my own home and for my friends, but at least you could have a chance to see what creepy stuff I have been doing lately and what's going on in my oh so beautiful head. It's the way how I see and feel the world.
5. BACK IN BUSINESS WITH ROCKHOLIC
ROCKHOLIC it's the name for my music-blog which show photos from gigs/concerts/festivals for you, review gigs for you, tell you all the interesting tours and so on. Basicly just stuff about music. I closed this blog and I ended up taking photos on gigs because I just couldn't do it anymore. I lost my passion to almost everything in my life at some point during last 9 months and this was one of them. But now after a little break of everything I feel the same passion for this as before! Which is cool because I love music and doing this.
6. I went to see the Guardians of the Galaxy-movie on saturday and hot damn Lee Pace is such a smokin' hot babe. Hahahah but for real ... It was a good movie. Yummy. Funny. Sad. Brilliant!
7. I'M GOING TO HIRE A PERSONAL TRAINER
Yes. Some of you might think I'm a weak piece of shit because I need someone to help me with this. Some of you might think it's waste of money, I try to be oh so professional, I try to be something because fitness is so fashion at the moment. Blaa blaa blaa.
Let me tell you something, bitches. As you might have noticed, I have had lots of healthy problems lately. I'm a tall girl which can be a problem in some certain jobs, as it was in my old job. So I was having lots of pains in my back but since I can deal with lots of pain I didn't go to the doctor. I was thinking that ''fuck that, I need to work, I need to get money, I need to do something to forget this shitty feeling inside of me, these pains will go away". So I kept training at gym, doing 11 hours work days. In the beginning of april I finally went to doctor.
Back in time, at that moment, I had so big pains in my whole back that I couldn't run, I could barely walk. First all the pain was only at my lower back but the pain just get bigger and bigger. It hurt when someone just touched my back. Normal? I don't think so.
First the doctor think it was the pain what come out when muscles are 'stuck'. And hell yeah they were, but then there were also these pains in my lower back ... she didn't listen to it but she gave me strong medicines and few days off from work. Didn't help properly but I still went back to work because I thought it will get better. Wrong. The pains just get worse and worse, and I went to doctor again. Since 9.4. I started my sick leave. Which ended in 11.8. 12.8. I quit my job. And I'm not ok even yet but I made a decision and it was that I'm not going to harm my body anymore.
So what happened? It took me 4 doctors before things start to happen. Everyone said to me that "you imagine the pain, it can't be so bad", "you have to deal with some pain" and "you can do your job, no probs". Excuse me but did you listen a single word what I just told you? That I can't fucking sleep, lay in bed, walk properly and I can't run at all! And I should be totally ok to work?! I just cried and said that I can't, I just fucking can't because it hurts so fucking much. They didn't care but they luckily gave me enough day offs to catch the next doctor.
Luckily I got next time for my own work-doctor ... don't know what's the word in english but she is like our 'own doctor', she know where we work, how we work, etc. She listened to me and believed me, that it really hurts. I went to all different kind of tests, x-ray, work tests, fitness tests, meetings with physiotherapist etc. Finally they found out, that because of my very sway back, my height and very physical job in too 'small/tight places for my height' caused some problems ... all those pains. Little bones in my backbone are smashed and damaged. It will took 4-6 months to get them back in condition and they might never be the same again.
I needed to train my abs and deep back muscles, I got a permission to do some walks but I couldn't run before june. I still can't run properly and without any pains but at least I can run! It was hard to start doing any kind of work out because the pain were so big but you just have to think 'this will help'.
It have been and it is a very long process to get back in condition and with this I mean my back. Of course the whole body too but mostly it's all about my back, the muscles which protect, support and work for it. Those have to be super or these pains won't go away ever.
Now, when I have got a pretty nice start for this project and a permission to run and go to the gym I need professional help. There are moves what I can't do because of my back, there are moves what I have to do because of my back and because I don't know them all, I need help. I don't want to harm my body anymore and anyhow just because I'm too lazy or too afraid to ask help. Even I have been athletic when I was young, I still don't know so much about different training ways and does some certain move support or harm my back, if you know what I mean?
So that's why I will get a help from the professional. And I suggest everyone who are even a little afraid of what to do at gym or have some healthy problems to ask help. I did training, a lot, but it was all waste of time because I was hurting my body and I can tell you, you don't want to feel any of these pains. It's not worth of it.
It's better to know what you do, how/where it affect in your body etc. Seriously, this kind of shitty troubles are such a pain in the ass. I will repeat it a lot because I really want to make people think and learn about my mistakes.
Specially when I want to make my body 'whole again', make it work, make my back to be super again, make the pain end, lose weight - all these at the same time, I just can't do it by myself.
I don't care if someone think I'm a wannabe fitness bitch or something, fuck it, I have gone through so much pains which half of you couldn't even ever deal with it, that I have all the rights to get any kind of help I fucking want to. Of course it costs, but I rather feel good and be a poor than be a rich bitch and feel like a tower which fall apart in anytime. :)
It's hard to explain and describe, how I feel and have felt, because you really can't see it outside when it's hurting in back. So I kind a understand if people are like "wtf you're not even in pain" but ... well ... you can imagine getting electric shocks 24 hours in a day, that someone is hitting you with a axe in your back, that someone is stabbing with a big rusty knife everywhere in your back and someone is driving on you with a big truck 24 hours in a day. All that, all the time, day after the day. And at worse days the pain was a lot worse. You take as strong painkillers as you body can deal with it so you can get proper sleep because you have to rest as well, it's a big part of the project. So, not so nice after all. :D But it's getting better and it will get better!
Do not never ever give-up.
After all, it feel good to 'be back'. Excited about all the things what have been close to my heart since forever.
You should never ever continue doing something which make you feel sick mentally and physically. It slowly kill you from inside and it's so hard to fix yourself if the damage is very bad ... The money what you get from the work what you do is not always worth of it. If you're not happy at all even money can't make you happy. I rather be poor than feel again the same what I have been going through in the past 9 months. It was and it is horrible. Getting better step by step but at least the main feeling, feeling like a prisoner in a cage in dark room where's no escape at all, is gone.
I haven't want to talk a lot about bad feelings etc. to anyone because I'm one of those persons who think they need to solve their problems by themselves ( which is ofc true too ). I didn't want to ruin anyone's day by saying how I REALLY felt ; like a total piece of shit, that I'm nothing, there's no hope, how can I be myself again when I'm so lost, can I ever be myself again or will I stay like this forever etc. It can be annoying or feel like I'm seeking for attention etc. but no, it's the ( sad ) truth. And because of that in my opinion this kind of stuff is not for friends, it's already 'over the limit' and professional people should take care of it. Don't get me wrong but it's better/easier to talk someone who don't know you at all and who don't except anything from you. Who doesn't judge you or say it's wrong to feel like that or 'you're making too much noise of so little thing'. Sad but true when you're already so down all the little things feel like the end of the world. I have been thinking like that by myself but now I do understand how wrong I have been. And yes, you can't really understand it if you haven't gone through stuff like that too. I hope many of you don't need to because that sucks. A lot.
Nowadays I can breathe again, no nightmares every night, I can sleep more than an hour in a row, no feeling like I'm in a cage and so on. Blaa blaa blaa, insert dark thoughts here haha. There are still those bad days but now I know it will get better. It just take some time but it will be better.
I want to thank my family and all my dear friends around the world for being there for me and helping me to get back on my feet! I know it's hard if the person herself feel hopeless etc. I don't say it often but I really appreciate it and it means a lot to me that someone believe in me and say that "someday this shit will end and the world will kiss your ass" haha!
And thanks to my doctor too. She is the best, she made me face the demons and see how bad the situation was/is. It's hard to see and realize how you can fall down from so high to so down in so little time. She understood that I really needed a break and gave it to me ( didn't force me to go back to work like all the others would do ), which I'm forever thankful.
I feel so alive, I have learn lots of things, I know better who I am and what I want to be/do. Yay!
All photos have been taken in Stockholm 8.-9.8.2014.
" Many ways you can spend your lifetime or waste your life away
Many ways for a celebration we're gonna die anyway
I live my life, get some satisfaction
It's so hard to survive, take your time and I take some action
I'll do it now and I'll do it my way,
no matter what they're gonna say
no matter what they're gonna say
Rocking out on the darkest highway,
no matter where we're gonna stay
no matter where we're gonna stay
Rock me while I'm alive, rock till Death! "